You are sleeping soundly. It is 4AM. A noise awakens you from your wonderful slumber. You hear it clearly... something is outside. Maybe it is a burglar, or Big Brother come to shut you down, or even the boogey-man. Finally, you muster the courage to look outside and find out what this terrifying noise actually is. You use night-vision goggles, so as to not reveal your position. What you find is more horrific than you could have imagined - it is.... a flying-squirrel and it's eating sunflower-seeds.

Maybe this story isn't so scary to people without flying-squirrel phobias. Obviously, i'm going to corner the flying-squirrel phobia demographic. And this lesson here, fools, is what matters. The Saints will lose their first playoff-game, because they are the Saints. 16-0, 100-0, whatever-0, the Saints will lose. If the Saints were publicly-traded, everyone who knows the Saints would sell their stock immediately before the first postseason game. The Saints could have all the greatest players to ever play the game, and they would still lose. To the Saints, nothing is more important than consistency. Winning would be catastrophically inconsistent.

But i'm not really talking about the Saints, I am talking about flying-squirrel phobias and what they mean to everyone. When the flying-squirrel attacks, what will you do? Cry to your mother? Call the police? In New Orleans, we had one rule - never go to the cops. Whatever your problem, no matter how dreadfully terrifying flying-squirrels might be, you handle your own affairs. What this means to the world of video games, esports and pro-gaming is that people are not really afraid of flying-squirrels, nor are flying-squirrels a real threat. But I can promise you, if Republicans can get elected on an anti-flying-squirrel platform, and they can successfully launch a War on Flying-Squirrels, they will do so. All it takes is to convince people flying-squirrels are a threat and Republicans are the protection.

I don't know what this has to do with pro-gaming, but those flying-squirrels scare me to death. I think maybe it is a raccoon, but no, it is a flying-squirrel. Maybe there is something to learn from this column. I will leave that challenge to the readers. Fact is, people are intelligent. If you give them something, they can extrapolate the fuck out of it and develop any number of evolutionary and creative things. Flying-squirrels do not really fly, but they do frighten.