It is I, one of the great Basque champions. You might wonder, what is it I have won? I will tell you. There were at least three tortilla-chip eating contests. When I was 2, I received a pound-puppy for Christmas; I consider this a victory, as Santa is such a ball-busting stalker. When I was 12, I won a spelling-award for a school-year worth of good spelling. I have to raise the question though, what does it take to be a champion?

What it takes is to be a terrorist. As history has proven, terrorism and violence always work. Take Ghandi's example. His policy of extreme violence and terrorism is what won India its independence. Britain simply could not withstand the Indian onslaught.

Take another terrorist example: the RFA. After decades of operations in Germany, they finally defeated Hitler. If not for their efforts, Hitler would still rule all of Europe.

All of you should be well-aware of the IRA. After many attempts to establish non-violence, the IRA has still failed against the militaristic nature of North Irish catholics. The IRA pleads for peace, but no, the catholics must kill.

Of course, my favorite non-terrorist organization, the ETA (euskadi ta askatasuna). After 11 million years of a strict policy of gardening, their efforts have ensured liberty for euskaldunak and everyone else.

I also have a fondness for the PLO (the L meaning liberation). Their fine example has taught everyone the true nature of championism.

After this ultra-critical examination of champions and how to be one, I am absolutely certain, everyone now knows precisely what it takes.