the only thing that made me laugh so hard i cried...




JOKER
(whispering)
Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?

HARTMAN
Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's
the slimy
little communist shit twinkle-toed
cocksucker down here, who just
signed his
own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy
fucking
godmother said it! Out-fucking-
standing! I will P.T. you all until
you fucking
die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are
sucking
buttermilk.

HARTMAN
Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh?!

COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN
You little piece of
shit! You look like a fucking
worm! I'll bet it was you!

COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!

JOKER
Sir, I said it, sir!

HARTMAN
Well ...
no shit. What have we got here, a
fucking comedian? Private Joker? I
admire
your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come
over to my
house and fuck my sister.

Sergeant HARTMAN purnches JOKER in the
stomach.
JOKER sags to his knees.

HARTMAN
You little
scumbag! I've got your name! I've
got your ass! You will not laugh!
You will not
cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will
teach
you. Now get up! Get on your feet! You
had best unfuck yourself or I
will unscrew
your head and shit down your neck!

JOKER
Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN
Private Joker, why did you join
my beloved
Corps?

JOKER
Sir, to kill, sir!


HARTMAN
So you're a killer!

JOKER
Sir, yes, sir!


HARTMAN
Let me see your war face!

JOKER
Sir?

HARTMAN
You've got a war face? Aaaaaaaagh! That's a
war face.
Now let me see your war face!

JOKER
Aaaaaaaagh!

HARTMAN
Bullshit! You didn't convince me! Let me see
your real
war face!

JOKER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

HARTMAN
You didn't scare me! Work on it!

JOKER
Sir, yes, sir!


Sergeant HARTMAN speaks into cowboy's face.
HARTMAN
What's your excuse?

COWBOY
Sir, excuse for
what, sir?

HARTMAN
I'm asking the fucking questions
here,
Private. Do you understand?!

COWBOY
Sir,
yes, sir!

HARTMAN
Well thank you very much! Can I be in
charge
for a while?

COWBOY
Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN
Are you shook up? Are you nervous?

COWBOY
Sir, I am, sir!

HARTMAN
Do I make you nervous?


COWBOY
Sir!

HARTMAN
Sir, what? Were you about to
call me an
asshole?!

COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!


HARTMAN
How tall are you, Private?

COWBOY
Sir,
five foot nine, sir!

HARTMAN
Five foot nine? I didn't
know they stacked shit
that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in
on
me somewhere, huh?

COWBOY
Sir, no, sir.

HARTMAN
Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of
you ran
down the crack of your mama's ass
and ended up as a brown stain on
the
mattress! I think you've been cheated!

HARTMAN
Where in hell are you from anyway, Private?

COWBOY
Sir, Texas, sir!

HARTMAN
Holy dogshit! Texas! Only
steers and queers
come from Texas, Private Cowboy! And you

don't look much like a steer to me, so that
kinda narrows it down!
Do you suck dicks!

COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN
Are you a peter-puffer?

COWBOY
Sir, no,
sir!

HARTMAN
I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would
fuck
a person in the ass and not even have the
goddam common
courtesy to give him a reach-
around! I'll be watching you!
[/b]

Sergeant HARTMAN walks down the line to another
recruit, a tall,
overtweight boy.
HARTMAN
Did your parents have any
children that lived?

PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!


HARTMAN
I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly you
could be
a modern art masterpiece! What's
your name, fatbody?

PYLE
Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir!

HARTMAN
Lawrence?
Lawrence, what, of Arabia?

PYLE
Sir, no, sir!