Sup;p Few days ago, I was sifting through my moving boxes to throw out junk, and I came across a paper I wrote in 2003 for my english 105 class. The professor told us to write a paper including well written instructions on nething we'd like to discuss, so I wrote one on basically the only thing I knew well at the time. I must admit, it's prolly not the most entertaining or witty paper to be read, but it's something I still wanna share with ya;p I also wrote sum stuff that aint true, particularly wut I wrote about video gamers not liking to read. But I'll keep it all in there neway, hehe;p Hey, this paper is probably being given to yall 3-4 years or so too l8 too, but hey: Enjoy:D

Lendll Phillip
Professor Knapp
English 105 sect. 001
Thursday, March 06, 2003

How to Drop a Quake 3 Addiction

(Roadblock .gif) Some parts in this paper contain obscene language or maybe even be prurient. This was necessary because there is only so little I can write before I lose the aliterate hardcore video gamer's attention, or, at least the attention of the audience I am aiming at, common hardcore Quake 3 players. Also, there are some terms and jokes that will be exclusively understood by hardcore "Quakers." None of them should get in the way of understanding the main ideas in this paper. The instructions are also very informal, reflecting the attitudes of the intended audience. Overall, the audience these instructions are written for really determine how I wrote this paper.

Have you ever sat at your computer playing Quake 3, looked at the clock, which says 8 a.m., then look at it again a few minutes later to see the clock cruelly saying 8 p.m.? Do you ever intend to walk to the kitchen after coming home from a boring day at school, and have a momentary lapse of consciousness, just to find youself launching your "comp" to join your clan in an
"ownij" game of <Quake 3>? Or even worse, do you bypass eating at all, for one more game of Quake 3? Have you sacrificed one more hour of sleep, for q3? Do you rally up your "peeps" to binge on q3 all night, knowing that time is going as fast as a Quake 1 timedemo on your bank-account-murdering, worked-part-time-all-summer-for hardcore gaming pc? Yes, the worse part of being a Quake 3 addict is <knowing> your life is flying by, and you're spending all of it, playing a video game. You are disgusted with yourself, tired of your eyes being unusually sensitive to sunlight, sick of threats of carpel tunnel, of impotency, from lack of use. But you still feel helplessly hooked to the hours of pleasure Quake 3 provides. I know--I've been there, and so have my "peeps," who have combined their knowledge with mine to make this step-by-step guide which will help you overcome your Quake 3 addiction.(We know you don't like to read; so what, we don't either. Gotta sacrifice somewhere. Read on!)

Step #1 P.P.P
You've probably already wished that dropping an addiction were as effortless as not caring to drop one at all. Don't worry, it isn't too impossible to do it the hard way: Patience, Persistence, Practice. Practice makes perfect, which needs persistence, which--you're catching on--needs patience. You make a commitment to the 3 P's, and you've won the first step of the battle.

Step #2 "It" Doesn't need you
Part of the urge to play Quake 3 is the belief that you can't miss a game of Quake 3, or else you'll disappoint your friends, or you won't contribute to a server's fun. Wrong. You need you. Without you, the Quake 3 world continues. Struggle to find support of this fact, and you can probably move on to the next step.

Step #3
Do NOT read #7. Proceed <now> to step #4

Step #4 Learn to use healthy replacements for q3
We've all experienced times when q3 servers were down, and we had no choice but to do something else but frag. Most Quaker's "chilled" in "chat rooms" (lol!), talking non-stop until the IRC server booted them for spamming. Or, some others found their way to online porn (no way!), working it up until their parents <had> to ask about the sweaty butt impression on their seat. We can probably judge that these are <not> healthy replacements for Quake 3, and in fact, the q3 addiction is spilling over to other things. What would be healthy q3 replacements then? The world is amazingly full of detail--much more than a computer graphics card can ever hope to render. Explore the world, see how much you're missing in life. Draw what you see; become an artist. Pick up a book on anything: grotesque murder, conspiracies, ANYTHING. You can even pick up excercising, something you, as a hardcore gamer, probably need really really badly. The best replacements we have found for q3 are funny articles written on basically any subject we know, scattered throughout the 'net. Search for them. Enjoy them. One gamers' favorite thing-away-from-the-game has been this site, http://www.somethingawful.com/jeffk/index.htm. But--unless you were not an addict along, reading this to see how pathetic addicts can be--you can't just replace q3 all at once, so...

Step #5 Downsize your playing time GRADUALLY
You might have once fainted at the idea of playing less than 25 hours of q3 in a 24 hour day. But we're assuming that you've followed our previous steps and commitments. If you have, then you're prepared to make the first measurable change in your q3 addiction: playing less! In the first week of reading this, play a maximum of 5 hours a day. Each following week, decrease your playing time by 30 minutes until enough weeks have passed that you don't have to play q3 any more, out of sheer discipline. That's it?

Step #6 Nope
If you've had that much discipline in the first place, you probably wouldn't be reading this for help. That's o.k., though. Like you may know, you just don't start something already "ownij" at it, but with practice, you can become "ownij." At first, you may be very clumsy at playing q3 only for a set amount of time. That's Quite o.k. Remember--Patience, Persistence, Practice. Practice and practice at meeting your goal of playing only for a certain amount of time a week; you will gain control by making a habit out of training yourself. You will be beating a habit with a habit! (Since when have you fought a BFG with a gauntlet?) But remember, this takes patience, persistence, and practice. We really believe that if you work hard to follow each step in this guide, your outlook of Quake 3 will look like this, when you're addicted

(zoomed down screenshot of a l33tly designed custom map, with "irrisistible" pasted down the screen)

to this, when you're not addicted: "It's just a video game!" When this success has happened, please tell us at wedont@care.org.

Step #7
(assholes really think they can drop q3. Sigh.)

=) "credit. see me"