My friend sent me these logs! He edited the names out to protect anonymity.



My mouse is fucking shit.

This conversation is fucking shit.

No man, seriously, it's got so much neg accel, and I'm not sure what DPI I should be using.

I'm not sure what drugs I should be using to make this conversation bearable, meth or crack?

Be serious man, you don't know anything about mice do you?

That depends on whether you know anything about meth or crack.

Stfu. (pronounce stu-foo)

Stfu? Is that some kind of chinese food, or have you finally realised no one listens to you and started using made up language.

No man, it's short for Shut the fuck up.

No, shut up is short for shut the fuck up, Be quiet is short for shut the fuck up, stfu is short for "I'm a fucking retard". It's not as if you even need to shorten your words, all you do is sit at your pc playing GI joe.

It's not fucking GI joe, it's ET.

Oh yeah I forgot, why don't they have flying bikes by the way, they were in the film

It stands for "enemy territory" you fucking idiot.

Yeah, ok.

Hmm, anyway, I'm not sure whether I should buy this new mouse or not.

How much is it?

£60.

£60 sounds reasonable, I mean, we are in 1929 Germany after all.



So you're finally attending this LAN?

Yeah, can't wait.

Did you pack condoms?

Yeah... Why?

I just imagine imagine there'll be lots of masturbation going on, put one over your head and protect yourself.

Yeah. Right. I'll go in with a condom over my head, that'll help me fit in.

You're right, you should probably add some tin foil in there somewhere.

I just hope we don't get knocked out in the first round.

Yeah, I mean, THAT would be embarrassing.

There's some good swedes attending, they could be hard to beat.

They let vegetables play games now?

No, a swede, like a swedish person.

So why are they so good?

I don't know, they just sit around playing games all day.

Isn't that exactly what you do? Isn't that the reason you've gained weight, lost interest in your appearance, and dropped so far down the social ladder that you're even ranked below circus freak?

Well .... yeah..

So you're not even that good at being a social failure. Anyway, apart from the protection, what else are you bringing to the lan? Alcohol?

Nah, we want to win. I'm bringing my mouse, my icemat and my pc.

Your ice mat? So what is that exactly? When you get all hot and flustered at the sight of a good frag, you rub yourself against it and "cool yourself down.

Yeah, that's exactly it.





You wanna watch my movie?

Yeah sure, what's it about?

It's a frag movie.

A fag movie huh? Well, I always suspected.

No man, a frag movie, remember, frag? When you kill someone in the game.

Ah yes, I remember.

Well this is a collection of my best frags.

So I get to see what you've wasted your life on?

Yeah.

Sounds entertaining. Send away

(Minutes later.)

You got it?

Yeah, it doesn't work, I just get a black screen and some music.

You've got to download a codec, noob.

Noob? Codec? Jesus, It never fucking stops with you people. I don't want a codec.

Well, you need one to play the movie.

Oh no, how will I ever live, please, spare me my misery.

I spent a few days on that clip.

Wow, really?

Yeah.

Why did you tell me that, did you think I'd be impressed that you spent a few days on your fragmovie? Did you think it would make you sound like less of an idiot?

No.

Well, atleast you know there's no way you could sound like less of an idiot. But anyway, you're wasting more of your time on video editing now?

Yeah, but I mean, It doesn't take too much time away from gaming.

Oh, well aslong as you can still spend 16 hours a day gaming, I guess it doesn't matter.

I don't spend 16 hours a day playing games.

No you're right, about an hour of that is spent jerking off and drinking red bull. You're quite the rennaisance man.

Fuck off.



You coming out tonight?

I can't, I've got a CB match.

What the fuck is CB?

Clanbase, it's a website clans use to organise games with each other.

Right, so you call your team your clan?

Yeah.

Sounds a bit cultish to me, do you run around in Tunics and paint your faces?

No, it's just a group of guys who like playing games.

And touching each other in their nether regions?

No man, I've told you I'm not gay.

Yet you make fag movies and touch up other men.

Anyway, I've got to play this match, if we win we get to the top of the ladder.

And what happens then, you give you and your team mates a celebratory wank?

Nothing happens, we're just top of the ladder.

So you play all this time, and all you get is your name at the top of some list?

Yeah, pretty much.

You know, you're already top of my "Losers who will kill themselves before they hit 30 list", there's no need to over achieve.

I think if we get to the top we might even get sponsored.

Who would want to sponsor a bunch of loser 16 year olds who have nothing better to do with their lives than play computer games?

Microsoft.

Figures.



We finally got sponsored.

Wow, so they're paying you to pay video games? I have to admit, I never thought you'd make anything out of gaming, thought you'd just end up a complete loser.

Not pay so much, they gave us some free mousemats.

I take back my previous statement.

Well, atleast it's something, what'd you ever get?

20 grand and 2 weeks off per year.

Whatever, I'm getting free shit for playing games.

Yeah man, a mousepad, SCORE, I bet the ladies are battering down your door.

Not everything in life is about women you know.

Yeah I do know, some peoples lives revolve around moving a tiny little dot around a screen so that they can kill virtual men. I imagine that is much more satisfying.

Fuck off, I enjoy it, that's all that matters.

Sure, tell that to your psychotherapist when the voices start.

Anyway, we didn't just get free mousepads, we got a server as well?

I guy named Hosé who serves you drinks?

No, a games server, a place where people connect to play a match.

Oh, score again, maybe you can invite women back to your supplydepot2 and canoodle by the radio.

Fuck off.