My dog is bipolar, because she has chemicals in her brain. The psychiatrist arrived at this diagnosis by reading tarot cards.

Why do you suppose professional gaming is unpopular? Video games are incredibly successful. Is it because people would rather play video games than watch them be played? Is it because, to watch some kind of official high-quality match, people must use computers and 'jump through hoops'? Is it because, the games themselves are designed to be played, not watched? Because video games are so popular, it can't be a nerd thing. To answer these questions of pressing importance, I conducted several interviews.

First, I spoke with a Hippopotamus. He said, "maaaaa".

Then, I spoke with a Rhinoceros. She said, "maaaaaaaa".

Honestly, I don't know what kinds of noises these creatures make. But I have seen a youtube video of an elephant painting a self-portrait.

So I asked the Elephant these questions, and it painted a self-portrait.

After multiple failures, I tried a new tactic - asking humans. Since columnists are such experts, I found 9 of them willing to each give their answers.

Strangely enough, every one of them gave me the same answer, "maaaaaa".

I've decided to give up searching for answers. Humans and animals alike seem incapable of providing the answers I seek. I'm not a quitter, but my time is limited. I must find answers to questions that have answers.