did you drink too much cough medicine or something?

While you're probably sick of hearing about Mr. Lord Jonesy, it is crucial that you read this letter. To begin at the beginning, you may have noticed that according to Lord's logic, it would be beneficial for clumsy loonies (also known as Lord's representatives) to lower this country's moral tone and depreciate its commercial integrity. But you don't know the half of it. For starters, the last time I told Lord's satraps that I want to replace today's chaos and lack of vision with order and a supreme sense of purpose they declared in response, "But Lord's faith in voyeurism gives him an uncanny ability to detect astral energy and cosmic vibrations." Of course, they didn't use exactly those words, but that's exactly what they meant. Of course, I'm generalizing a little here. But that's only because he wants to produce an army of mindless insects who will obey his every command. To produce such an army, Lord plans to destroy people's minds using either drugs or an advanced form of lobotomy. Whichever approach he takes, there is more at play here than his purely political game of turning savages loose against us good citizens. There are ideologies at work, hidden agendas to sow the seeds of discord.

Yes, Lord may be nothing more than a disposable tool of power-wielding, vindictive stuffed shirts but I clearly don't believe that we should all bear the brunt of his actions. So when Lord says that that's what I believe, I see how little he understands my position. He doesn't have any principles, or if he does, he puts them aside whenever they're inconvenient. One might conclude that he doesn't believe in the right to free speech, except for people who agree with him. Alternatively, one might conclude that faster than you can say "uncontradictableness", he will indulge in a vast orgy of murder to sate his innate blood-lust and his hatred of his betters. In either case, if I withheld my feelings on this matter, I'd be no less intrusive than Lord. Looking at it on the bright side, a censorious mentality and a primitive sense of authoritarianism create fertile soil for discourteous derelicts to insult my intelligence. There's nothing controversial about that view. It's a fact, pure and simple. It was a fact long before anyone realized that in asserting that bad things "just happen" (i.e., they're not caused by Lord himself), Lord demonstrates an astounding narrowness of vision.

All that we have achieved may now be lost, if not in the bright flames of irrationalism, then in the dense smoke of the uncouth ballyhoos promoted by gin-swilling peddlers of snake-oil remedies. If anything will free us from the shackles of Lord's ugly shell games, it's knowledge of the world as it really is. It's knowledge that no one likes being attacked by sniveling, insolent misinformed-types. Even worse, Lord exploits our fear of those attacks—which he claims will evolve in the blink of an eye into biological, chemical, or nuclear attacks—as a pretext to spawn a society in which those with the most deviant lifestyle, lethargic behavior, or personal failures are given the most by the government. If you think that's scary, then you should remember that we should not concern ourselves with Lord's putative virtue or vice. Rather, we should concern ourselves with our own welfare and with the fact that Lord used to be a major proponent of separatism. Nowadays, he's putting all of his support behind mysticism. As they say, plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. To recap the main points made in this letter: 1) Mr. Lord Jonesy thrives on the victimization of others, 2) Lord's primary viewpoint, that his blessing is the equivalent of a papal imprimatur, is directly related to the attitudes in our society that rip apart causes that others feel strongly about, and 3) his revenge fantasies are just another signpost marking our long, steep cultural descent.

tl:dr

METRIC SYSTEM IS BEST, FUCK INCHES and the other middle age retarded shit