The games are over and we have a winner. After 11 days of beatings, maulings and dismemberments, we can all rejoice. Never has the world seen such beautiful carnage. The only upsetting part was that it didn't last longer. The slaughter can only be rivaled by the Great-Spoon Massacre of 1836, where spoon-wielding maniacs rampaged through the streets of London, leaving 39 people and 3 cats dead. To extend the joy, I have conducted interviews.

Dalai Lama, what were your impressions? "When the one person ripped off the leg of the other, nothing pleased me more." You found yourself elated, is that right? "Oh truly, yes. I would think a person must be insane to find brutal combat anything but the greatest joy in life."

And Ghandi, what did you think? "It was highly aligned with my policies of violence and terrorism. If only India had such fine examples, Britain would have been nuked off the planet long ago."

Hitler and Obama, did you enjoy it or did you think there should have been more flowers? "We always demand flowers. There can never be enough flowers."

And, last but not least, Smokes Weed With Whale-Sharks, were you satisfied with the end result? "Only insomuch as the end will end and the beginning will begin. Makes a lot of sense, no?"

I think the consensus is clear: more flowers and more death = more good. I would say, the IEM4 championships are a direct result of Martin Luther King having a dream.

If this column was too fast, be less conservative.