People of the world, I come to you with grave news. We are all now facing the greatest challenge yet to human survival. It is so severe, I have personally devoted all of my focus to solving the crisis. I implore everyone, in your countries, in the U.N., to immediately pass the bill I have written. I call it the 'No Fatties' bill. Essentially, this bill will raise taxes by 300,000% on all foods that make women fat. If we do not correct this 'fatties' problem, I have no doubt, the world will only continue seeing a rise in alcoholism and a decline in reproduction which will eventually plunge us into total extinction. Please, petition your senators and representatives without delay. I only fear it won't be enough...
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