I am 20, soon to be 21, I am an ex quake3 player.. I'm sorry, ..user. I'm not an ex gamer. I'm an ex quake3 user, the first variant of the drug I tried was labeled q3test1.08, it had the name 'test' in it, it's almost like they wanted you to try it.. This drug was legal, and it still is widely available on the market in various forms and manifestations.. I would like to say that people have a choice to do as they please, but I really had no choice. How could you possibly fight or even question something that seemed so good to you. I never thought how something that was so inducingly pleasurable could be doing me so wrong at the same time. Was I blind or just ignorant? In the state I was in, it truly did not matter, nothing else mattered. At that point, that was my life.

I don't know what the typical gamer life consists of and I never try to imply stereotypes because I don't consider my self to be very typical. It's obvious that not every gamer lives the same way or people for tht matter, but here's my story.

I grew up with two parents and two older sisters who were very outgoing, socialble, and had many friends. Prior to the introduction of this debilitating phenomenon I only had a couple of friends, and I was 'shy,' I honestly didn't know how to make friends, I felt scared, I didn't know what I would say, and money always seemed to be a causing issue in my mind. I need this and that, I wanna try this, I want to learn to.., i want to take w/e lessons, ..you know, I wanted to become me, and though money is a problem for many, that was obviously only part of the problem.

Once the drug began to take over, I slowly strayed away from the only couple of friends I had. I would stop answering the doorbell and act like I wasn't home. This perticular friend of mine lived next door, and he was a great friend, his family also owned a business and was wealthy He'd pretty much get everything he listed in his christmas list for christmas, and that was a lot of stuff. He had quake3 and he played it some, but it was just a seldom casual thing for him didn't get too much into it, and at the time he had a pentiumII 266, and crap vid card so it ran like crap. Though he was a console gaming junkie in general. At the point that I strayed away from us pretty much being best friends, I guess he discovered girls. Though I have always been attracted to females, at the time I felt like, what's the point, I don't even know how to make regular friends (the friends I did have were from chance and coincidence), how am I supposed to get a girlfriend, and even if I did, it sure wouldn't of been from my looks cause I didn't dress with much of a look, I used to hate shopping for clothes (most guys probably still do) and I was chubby, but I dind't do or knew anything, so either way, I wouldn't of been very appealing, not to mention that the minority of the people at my school were african american, so I guess that was part of it too, and I also wasn't going to dress like everyone else to fit in. I realize now that you just have to be yourself cause none of that matters, if someone doesn't like you for something like that then you don't need to be talking to them, I guess I would somewhat dress down to seem even less in the picture and be more unoticible. As for me, I am mixed, I'm german/english/hispanic, and I can speak spanish. So being scared about being rejected and knowing that you would are two different things, but the thing was was that I was aware. Sometimes things aren't what they seem, ..but oh, I knew. So I just kept doing what was already being good to me and never denied me.

The reality about physical attraction.. for the most part is if you're in shape and can dress well regardless of which style or race you are, people will find you attractive no matter who they are. I guess I used to have a brainblock thinking that there was something wrong with me and that it wasn't possible for someone to like me.

So back to the story, I had never even owned a console in my life except for my sisters when they were younger they had the atari2600. I would always play over my friends house who was a gaming junkie, and had every console including the atari jaguar I wasn't very good anyways. One day I was out to a tattoo/piercing place with my sister she was friends with the people there, the guy that did piercings was a gaming junkie so he had an imported dreamcast and was talking about the shit, I got hyped about it so I told my mom and she saved up for me to get it since I'd never even had a console before, and I reserved it and all. I still remember the release date cause it's hard to forget it was 9/9/99, I got it with like 2 extra controllers 2 vmus and like 5 games. I played it for a couple of months, yes, I had some burnt ones I downloaded from the net too. Then I let this other friend of mine borrow it and I pretty much never played it again. At that point I dind't really care cause I was under the influence.

Though the above story was kind of pointless I thought I'd mention it.

before quake3, I had previously just played doom2 single player. and some jediknight darkforces II on my friends computer.

..so now lets see.

I was using q3test1.08 for quite a bit at this point, I then became fairly decent to the point where I would be getting the most frags in ffa, someone told me about some clan, I dind't even know what a clan was, then they told me about ETG, that's when I discovered IRC, probably ICQ too (lol, who uses that). At that point there was no turning back. I later, started to idle in this channel to this ffa server I would always play in. At the time though I really enjoyed 1v1, it was pretty much 100% for fun, and feeling good in my own litle world, and I would play some lame maps that I liked, like q3tourney3? Then this guy on IRC, told me how that shit was lame, and to play maps that are actually being played in CPL and other leagues, then I'm like, ..so if I like the map who cares..,' anyways, eventually then that's what I started to do playing the actual maps being played. At the climax I was decent at best, but I would like to say that I had a very weird & different style. My aim was never great, but what can I say for the most part it was for my enjoyment and I was more on the careless side of things. In short, I never had money so I wasn't gonna try to go playing serious anyways to try to go anywhere and play.(that's not really what's important about this)

I don't know how the rest of you guys out there are, if you have dreams of becoming a pro-gamer then get involved. Play everygame serious like you're actually playing, condition yourself to not care about enjoyment, because in the long run it's not about enjoyment anymore, it can still be enjoying, but my point is. If you're not growing and getting better it's because you're doing the wrong things. Play people who are better than you, if you can beat someone all the time, stop doing that, find someone who is actually a challenge, because that's really like no practice. 'it's good practice for aim' ..guess what.. no. I'm not gonna go into explanation or detail, this wans't at all the point of the article and i'm not a pro-gamer but I just wanted to go ahead and mention that.

Back to not knowing how you guys run your life... sometimes I question my self, was I the only one in this situation? who else out there had no control over themselves, or still don't or are in denial, or can atleast speak up and say the infamous quote of "i just don't care."

At my pinnacle weight, I was 210lbs@5'9 in 2003, I wasn't too much of an overeater but I was pretty consistant weight mostly came from inactivity, I would say half of my caloric intake came from the drinks, I would be in my room all day and you know that room gets hot, I would literally have cup after cup of juice, and it's surprising how calories form juice adds up, i'm currently at 160lbs, most of it being muscle. My initial weight loss was more than just fat, loss of muscle too, and then i realized that i need to do more than just watch what I eat. Cause eventhough I looked allaround smaller I still had a gut, and I was weak for muscle loss though I didn't have much to begin with. My hair was shaggily ugly (and i knew it) I purposely didn't get a haircut to hide behind it. I cut my hair one weekend, and when I went that monday people were like you look different, and this this person was like 'man, what happened this weekend, you changed' i'm like nothing happened, you're the one who changed your opinion of me. I then began weight training, and I gained some muscle while also reducing excess fat. At this point I was still trying to hide behind the scenes by dressing and acting low key to try not to be noticed. When I finally reached the point that I felt comfortable to show off who I really was or was in the direction of getting there I was trying to get to, in my own style of course, and no more baggy clothes since I was still wearing the old clothes. now i'm QUOTE UNQUOTE hot, and the way I dress is uniquely different then aynthing in this shitty ass town.

Now I'm starting to do things that I've always wanted to do/learn, and I'm making friends and going out places. It's funny because I recently became friends with this guy who happens to be gay, and he's like fucking puzzled why i'm cool as hell but I've never had any gay friends, (cause he was hoping i'd have some for him to meet, and asumingly they'd be attractive cause i'm so hot) only if he knew I dind't have any friends period.. lol.

I don't know if the internet is what contributed to my crazyness and openmindedness, but you see and hear some crazy ass bizzare shit on the net, infact on the net people say some of the gayest shit (literally) that you don't even know if they're just joking or if they're serious, but I have incorporated this bizzare sense of humor in the real world. Is it just me, or do you all feel like the internet makes people more open minded?

Though as much as I may have hated the internet for what I let it do to me , I also can't deny that it helped me to get away, so it's a win win hate/love situation. Nothing told me to change, but I had to push and tell my self to do it, cause no one else was going to. I remember when I used to think ..so and so is not possible, I'll just fail, if you think that way as much of a cliche it may be, it's true. The truth is is if you try hard enough you can do it.

Over years I have changed, as to where I got and how/why I got there in the first place may be a long story. I don't know what the stories for you guys are, but I used to be chubby, quake, IRC, sleep, school, eat, IRC, quake, IRC, sleep, school. I literally had no life. "a life is what you make of it," well maybe it was a life, but it was a crappy life.