geeky, but good :)

GUNIGUGU.

HAHAHAHAH
GONIGOOGOO

i mean: WTF GUS!

your wife's a bigfoot, gus. ain't that right?

every goddamn year she falls down the stairs gus!

did u buy that G5 already ? =)

great post m8....

[+]

- cooller lost 41-22 to czm

or 60 - something =)

polos is rulez!!11!

oh wait, this was about cooller...nm

cooller once played CS... it took Valve 13 patches to remedy the aftermath.

HAHAHAHA

^^

lmao n1

Wow, this one is shockingly accurate to how Valve (VALVe to you and me) handle patching their games.

hahahahahahah this one > all the above

really good hahahahah

cooller doesn't crater, the ground beneath him runs away scared.

This feels like a ripoff from the chuck norris idea :)

Well yes, but thats just a rip off from another idea, which is a rip off of another idea. I had the idea TO rip it off so :)

Hey, it's q3 specific, Chuck Norris doesn't play Quake 3, however, to pay homage to the great man, id software put him in the game. (Who do you think it is under that doom helmet?)

karl urban? :D

Cuck Norris doesnt play quake3, quake3 is happy to play with Chuck Norris.

O RLY?

what tipped you off?

Chuck Norris told him.

ur so cute.

both chuck and cooler have agreed to not play quake
against each other to avoid the end of the world.

you're not lagging, cooller is wrapping his penis around every major internet backbone.

the edit spoilt it mang

i typed out everyone instead of every, that's the reason for the edit. don't know whyi typed that :\

i hear ya

we need a coollerbot :-P

coollers dick is so big his girlfriend doesent need a penetrator or a fork or a banana

<3 blood-blood

Cooller ain't gettin' on no damn plane, foo'!

.... I don't get it.

Racist :-/

wtf?

Mr T from the A-team, "I aint getting on no plane fool!"

ta :)

oh gawd, you have yet to live

i pity the fool!

i pity the fool who.. bleh cba, fun read though

ahhaha, great one ++

funnyb pities the fool. Cooller rips the fools fucking head off.

Cooller doesn't time items, the temporal overlords wait for his permission then spawn them.

Cooller doesn't use jump-pads, he looks gravity in the eye and it knows it better back the FUCK down.

Cooller's barbed comments are so piercing, they've been under investigation by the Russian military. After studying preliminary intelligence data, the CIA classifies the resultant weapon as a greater threat to world safety than Al-Qaeda, global warming and Tony Blair put together.

Cooller's shotgun aim is so good that even Dick Cheney rates it.

Cooller's comments are so funny, Billy Connolly retired after hearing half of one.

Cooller's nailgun aim is so good he can assemble an Ikea cabinet WITHOUT THE INSTRUCTIONS just by firing the weapon in game.

Cooller's comments are so profound, a book of them passed the Bible as the best selling book of all time after just 15 minutes in print.

Cooller's machinegun aim was - and still is - so good he was the first 3 year old permitted to join the Spetnaz.

Cooller can draw cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed and not get fatwa'ed.

Cooller's rocket aim is so good, it looks as if the rockets are travelling faster than his opponents'; they are - he's so badass they grab the first chance they can to get the FUCK away from him.

Another famous Russian, Rasputin, famously died after withstanding a beating, a stabbing, being shot, drowned and poisoned, only eventually succumbing to hypothermia when thrown in a lake. On the eve of the last Asus tournament, Cooller was stabbed, shot, poisoned, raped, blinded, crushed, skinned, dismembered, hung, drawn and quartered, eaten and hit directly with a thermonuclear warhead, yet still got up the next day to beat his opponent 50 to -9 using just the gauntlet.

Cooller's hyperblaster doesn't just shoot bolts, it ejaculates them due to the frenzy of sexual excitement at being under his command.

The defeat in the Cold War, the demise of Communism, Russia's loss of its status as a global superpower and years of ensuing misery and poverty are the result of successive Soviet governments pouring billions into creating Cooller via genetic experiments. 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999% of Russians believe it was money well spent. The doubters are called Ev1l, Morfez and Jibo.

Cooller's railgun aim is so good, the 1.2 patch will feature the gun with 1 damage per shot and a 10 minute reload time to balance things out.

Cooller doesn't crouch slide - the map raises itself up to meet him.

Cooller can telefrag any fucking time he likes; the whole damn world is his 'personal space'.

When Cooller gibs an opponent, the viscera forms an exact replica of a painting by Picasso, Michelangelo or Da Vinci, depending on his mood.

Cooller has never been roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

rifk

ikea cabinet...

ahah

Brilliant.

Now that was funny

Genius.

you disappear for 6 months and come back just to post cooller quotes?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?!?

That's what he has been working on. In another 6 months he will grace us with something equally amazing.

You came back with the ever present railmccoy humour... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEEN!

9 months now :(

lol @ Cooller's hyperblaster doesn't just shoot bolts, it ejaculates them due to the frenzy of sexual excitement at being under his command.

talk about coming back with a bang, paddy. simply beautiful

Where you been seriously. :)
Miss your comments !

outstanding :)

laughed for like a minute when i read the one that the whole world's his personal space :)

POW! Back with style.

hes back! \o/

nice :D:D

Quality :D

WHAT A COMEBACK!!

Thanks!

Great cooller facts :D

"The defeat in the Cold War, the demise of Communism, Russia's loss of its status as a global superpower and years of ensuing misery and poverty are the result of successive Soviet governments pouring billions into creating Cooller via genetic experiments. 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999% of Russians believe it was money well spent. The doubters are called Ev1l, Morfez and Jibo."

R O F L

Cooller's shotgun aim is so good that even Dick Cheney rates it.

ROFL

Cooller's hyperblaster doesn't just shoot bolts, it ejaculates them due to the frenzy of sexual excitement at being under his command.

rofl

There he is ;)

WOOOO THERAILMCCOY IS BACK i can die happy :)

Guy went missing for almost a year, comes back with this post and disappears again.

Karl Urban was secretly working on a movie based on Cooller, but when Cooller found out he had to beat him down for trying to make him look bad

RAILMCCOY > CHUCK NORRIS

Cooller is a gay

That move was only because he ran out of women.

Cooller doesn't run out of women. The women ran out of cooller

that doesnt even make sense ;P

it does not make sense, the sense makes not

haha, that's the template for most the quotes.

Cooller doesnt [action], [action] does Cooller :(

a packet containing collers rocket got lost and eventually evolved into the ESR community!

If cooller is late for the RA, time better slow the fuck down

at age 2 cooller thought chernobyl was dm6 the rest is history

And on the eighth day, God created cooller and saw that it was good. Cooller, upon hearing this understatement, summoned God to Earth and said 'Its not internet! I am not good, I am 1337!' He then proceeded to rail God in both eyes and chased him around the Garden of Eden pummeling Him, yelling 'Run lola run!' When cooller was done, he saw God had an expression of pain on him mutilated face, so he fixed that by stepping on his face, leaving the mark of the Godly smiley: |]

¦]

heh nice :]

Cooller was once in a Mortal Kombat game, but there was a bug so the only attack he could do was an instant fatality with the gauntlet / making his opponent backflip into the lava.

Cooller lags n00bs. And pushes them into lava pits just by looking at them.

There was a post like this buried deep within the "goodbye" thread on ShackES when that website died. Only it was better than this post.

It was about how ShackES wouldn't have died if czm had been running it, due to his extremely high precision. "czm is so precise that..." etc. Does anyone have a copy of that post?

Cooller doesn't play russian style, he just plays one handed.

And we all know what the other hand is doing.

owning the fuck outta another opponent while playing on another computer.

Every time Cooller lags, a kitten dies.

Sujoy did not create ESReality. Cooller created ESR while waiting for the RA to spawn on DM6 vs. ZeRo4 during ESWC.

Cooller can impregnate any girl from across the room just by shooting the lightning gun.

The MH does not spawn for Cooller. Cooller spawns for the MH.

Cooller does not run away. He chases you in reverse-motion.

Cooller has separate binds for raping his opponent 46:-3, 57:-9, or 34:-5.

When Cooller was 11, he got gene therapy like that guy in Die Another Day, and turned into Thresh. After a successful Q1/Q2 career and retirement, he turned back into a whiteboy to play Q3.

Cooller pretends to be using headphones. He is actually deaf. And blind. And paralyzed in both arms.

Cooller doesn't need to hear or see you. He knows exactly where you are on the map by measuring the levels of hormones you are releasing into the air in real-time.

Cooller likes to make you think the game was close, when he was actually playing one-handed with his eyes closed, getting blown by three girls simultenously.

If Cooller ever had to play himself, the game would crash instantly.

Every time Cooller sits down to play, the game automatically puts him into God mode.

Cooller is such a good aimer, his rails are homing, and his shotgun pellets actually converge.

Cooller records his demos as "fragged_by_cooller_vol_XXX.netdemo".

If there was ever a Q3 Cooller bot, it would be impossible to add to the game, as you could never specify a high enough skill value.

Cooller is so good, he could telefrag himself if he fucking wanted to.

"If Cooller ever had to play himself, the game would crash instantly."

;D .. [+] for that one

"Every time Cooller sits down to play, the game automatically puts him into God mode."

There is no god mode. There is only people Cooller hasn't fragged yet.

Hahahah !

Whats the downside in closing your eyes, if you are blind anyways?

just wait for russians, UNRESPECT again

LMFAO

why Cooller has double "l"??,


becouse the Chuck has double "r"!!

the other way round buddy!

Cooller is the sg spawn.
Every time you feel a scratch in your ass, dont look behind you - cooller wont be there. By that time you can taste it.

If cooller loses a tourney, it's because he didn't have enough room in his house for another award at the time.

Punkbuster once attempted to kick cooller for aimbotting. Since then no patch released for it has yet fully repaired the damage from the aftermath.

Cooller did the bridge to rail jump on campgrounds redux the way it's supposed to be done. Then he did it backwards.

Cooller is the only person alive to have played q3 in a comatose state. This happened during QuakeCon 2004 when he lost to czm on hub.

God once played cooller on dm6. Needless to say cooller showed him that his lg was nothink on the lan.

Quake 4 doesn't have to have cooller's config embedded into it like Thresh had one in Quake 2. The game just loads his latest config for him when he sits down out of fear.

Wasnt Fatal1ty able to do the bridge to rail thingie backwards as well?

Campgrounds Redux, ie, this is in Q4, it's madness.

Ok, so we are all set for another six years of quake, we got both dm6 and ztn remade =x

rolf.

They didn't acctually have computers in 1969 to calculate the rockets trajectory to the moon -- only coollers aim.

Coollers rails travel faster than the speed of light, causing them to hit before they are fired.

Cooller does not make quotes, he hits the keyboard; what you see is the sheer awesomeness of his beeing mirrored in the assembled scrabble on the screen.

Infinity was at first only considered an idea, but then cooller started playing serious.

on armageddon, God sent cooller with a RL to earth

Coller kills his opponents on pro-q3dm6 by throwing them into lava.

Cooller makes impressives with gauntlet

When Cooller loads up Quake 4 Boxer cries.

Cooller uses the Nail Gun.

Cooller uses +walk in Painkiller.

If you change the extension of Quake 4 from .exe to .netdemo, you can watch Cooller play Chuck Norris on Phrantic.

Cooller only loses games to prove that the world wouldnt explode if he did lose.

someone once accidently refered to cooller as czm... once

i wonder if he has read all these they are really good :D

Someone make him a spam script for the CB/GGL LAN finals =)

i am sure he read all of that - hope that he had lots of laugh

ofcourse he has read them. have you seen anyone post twice?

ye u have :P

Oh and btw, cooller played DotA -ar some time ago and received all the heroes at once.

Cololler doesn't strafe - the opponent misses.

Cooller doesn't get airroxed - if he catches a rocket in the air, it's because he needs the boost to go more than 1000ups.

Cooller doesn't strafejump - its the map that moves up and down around him.

Cooller does not do the bridge2rail jump. Its the bridge that does the 'boost-Cooller-2-rail-NOW!!' jump.

Cooller was NOT born. He pummelled his way out of his mother.

A bot fragged Cooller. Once. Then the game crashed so bad that id software had to release the Quake 3 source code to fix the problem.

Cooller does not 'eat' your rocket. He is just trying to help you get your score back to -100.

Cooller was NOT born. He pummelled his way out of his mother.

Hahaha, WTF :D

cooller doesn't dodge rockets. Rockets dodge Cooller.

aliens DO exist. they are just waiting for cooller to die before they attack.

cooller is so stone-cold, that the small fireplaces from the walls of ztn were gone when he passed.

cooller does not time items, he spawns items in front of himself.

MH doesnt spawn @+35, or @+2min on t4. It spawns when Cooller says "spawn" with his mad english.

the hand below the desk is not on the keyboard, in fact, it is finding the cure for aids, cancer and death in the same time.

in the original first "jaws" movie, cooller landed with a russian helicopter on the boat, switched to lightning gun, and fried the shark. PETA didn't like this, so they removed the scene.

also, in rocky, after stallone KO'd Ivan Drago, Cooller stepped in the ring and kicked Rocky's ass. That scene was also kicked out of the movie.

When Americans were about to land on the Moon for the first time, Cooller saw it on the TV and strafejumped there just before Armstrong left the landing pod. US astronauts have seen that, so they called Chuck Norris for help. After Chuck arrived, cooller made him roundhouse kick himself into his nothink crotch by shooting just three and a half of a LG cell.

chuck norris has all his skills because he sucks cooller daily

it wasnt the allies who defeated nazi germany. it was cooller's LG!

major

I'm thinking of doing so after loads of people contribute, this way, we will have a large amount of them.

and maybe cooller will read it!!!!

Cooller does not read, he knows everything already.

He doesn't have to read, he just stares down the text until he gets the information he wants.

aka reading. :P

right now every post in this thread is being displayed on cooler's hud

Cooller used to be a cowboy

on a mountain?

Brokeback Mountain?

God forbid, no!

He was also a ninja at one time, but the turning point in his life was when he became a pirate.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Cooller allows to live.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. cooller jumped out of a plane with a RL

Cooller is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Cooller

Cooller puts on his pants two legs at a time.

Cooller doesnt believe in Poland

Cooller brushes his teeth with a guantlet

Cooller doesnt use a tissue to wipe , he uses an industrial grade sandpaper.

haha great!

Sandpaper? I would have said he uses rocks or something coarser.

zero4?

the spikes in a plummel are styled in the same way as coollers pubic hair and are onyl half as coarse as his

If cooller became a member of esr he would ahve more plusses than the no of times chuck norris counted till infinity

Cooller doesn't need to cook food, he takes it. It prepares itself once he steps into the kitchen.

.

Liked that one =)

Edit; Oh fuck. The thread is ages old.

.

Haha.

hm

cooller doesnt play ztn he lives near the lower YA

cooller actually does move faster when he has his gauntlet out.

Now this is becoming relevant.

Yes.....who would of known:(

cooller thanked me for not going pro..so he could win some =)

cooller is not practicing q4 8 hours daily but he's learning 10 more languages meanwhile he's just playing q4 looking in the books

Cooller doesn't use a watch when boiling an egg, he knows exactly when three minutes have passed.

- Cooller does not time armours, they automatically spawn when he stands on the spawn point.

In soviet Russia, armor time you!

w0rtel doesnt not create new threads, he finds ancient ones

:P

i dont get it

Posted by tB0nE @ 02:34 SAST, 6 March 2006

This thread is almost a year old ;)

almost 2 years brah

MESSAGE FROM THE FUTURE :O

oh hai manic o/

ZOMGOFLBBQ

Wtf?!! explain this to me?

It's the new black.

Bump from 6 years later

¦]

it took arqon 39 patches to convice smartbots that coller is not playing vq3 anymore

maybe it needs some tweaking, but the idea is that cpma bots didn't play vq3 because of cooller and now that he's playing q4 arqon convinced them it's ok (cpma bots play vq3 since the latest patch of cpma 1.39)

Cooller doesnt aim, the map rotates for him to line up his opponents under his crosshair.

toxic lost weight so he can run away from cooller on phrantic.

haha, ouch

Cooller doesn't show up at events, the events.. oh wait. :(

fana.tastic need more

Why I can't see any comments on there?

cooller CAN have babies and his pregnancy lasts only one mousecklick

cooller is the only player who got paid his pricemoney by CPL ever ...

Little does anyone know that Cooller is actually playing CoD4 lately... when you call in an air-strike or helicopter, Cooller is the one piloting.

cooller has never dropped a set of maps to zero4

AHAHAHAHAHAH

lol

sup

Cooller cares about you

:PP
awesome!

if cooller looses, its an unfair system ;)

Cooller will own z4 in the afterlife too.

LOL @ cooller getting knocked out like. Karma a beotch huh :P

Shouldn't have gayed zero4 in wcg haha. Now you got gay and z4 was the one to take the spot! :>

lol @ eswc rules hehe

everything in the ztn game vs. zero4 was planned.

cool, I forgot about this thread, thx for the dig!

The only good journal I ever made.

I have begun to hate it.

Doctor frankenstein ?

When cooller farts the world will end....

..

hold your breath!

cooller is luke skywalkers real father

Cooller is the BEST PLAYER EVER

cooller lost his virginity bevore his father

fucking tbone, you're so mothafucking goddamn hot, I'd do you in a second. For hours.

but anyways: whatsup? Where you at dawg?

Bing bing. I am currently in London, but I am moving to Sweden, probably at the end of February. Like seriously. I am still wondering if this is going to turn into an utter disaster like most of my travelling has... but should be fine, just need to find an english speaking job.

Details will probably be in journal post later today.

English speaking job... like english teacher is the only one, ha ha! Well ya, gl with everything :)

Well I applied for a position at my old company I used to work for in Cape Town (Head office in Stockholm), and I have all the relevant experience and everything, but I haven't heard anything back from them :( Maybe because I was applying from the UK.

ps. business language is english, which is why it's well suited for me.

Yeah well I didn't get the job and the chick went crazy, but you know I visited and stuff.

cooller would still have obnoxious fanboys even if he'd lose to Arktik with negative score

cooller would still have obnoxious fanboys even if he'd suck throughout the whole year. oh wait...

Coollerator:)
kaspersky.ru
adobeflash=ON

Bump

why?

This will go down in history as one of the most embarrassing threads on ESR.

You're all shit.

Also using chuck norris jokes and just changing "Chuck Norris" to "cooller" is even worse than the shit ones you all came up with.

.

Liam is so fat, he should get aids and die.

AAAA DUDE THIS IS AWESOME cant stop laughing :D:D:D

putin resigned cause cooller told him so.


this thread is old.

COOLLER HAS BEAT CYPHER OFFICIALLY MORE TIMES THAN CYPHER HAS BEAT COOLLER

AHAHAHAHHA

(i think, someone confirm!)

.

gotta bring this one up to date.

North Korea isn't actually performing nuclear tests, it's just cooller practicing dodging

D:

"Cooller doesn't time. He waits"

What a noob!

Cooller doesn't use the RG on purpose. If he does so he just wants to rest his charged LG... :P

Cooller doesn't like that thread. Forgive us.

"Cooller is a progaming legend, enough said."

cooller can pick up a railgun on dm13

Someone from IRC:
cooller doesn't ragequit, his opponent ragestays

hahahahahahahaha

Cooller can come second at Qcon and still win.

When cooller says DAAAAAAAA, the intensity of his roar will cause mainstages to erupt in fire.

Coller once held Josef Fritzl in his cellar for 24 years. He became bored when Josef Fritzl admitted it was actually an honor to be held in captivity by the great Cooller.

isn't this thread awesome or what

y, pretty sad

coollers penis is so big it takes 2 years for his urine to travel down his shaft and exit

[ 02:07:38 ] [ +tb0nE ] CZM does not time armours, they automatically spawn when he stands on the spawn point.

actually, it's 2gd quote from way back about cooller. nice try tho.

lolwat?

ye like 1-2 years ago while he was still workin for esl

lolwat?

You mean, like, my article written in 2006 came after when he worked for the ESL in 2009?

Edited by tB0nE at 00:52 GMT, 6th Mar 2006 - 47307 Hits

ahm didnt see that one , soz

+ for smartassery.

i like one with tears lol

cooller is so gay that it makes women into men.

unexpected.

cooller hits 100dmg rails in ql

cooller is the only member of the moscow five

cooller quit Quake and he is still playing

Hahahah omg,best one here :D

For the 5th time this year no less

cooller doesntdie he just refills his mg ammo

No offense but this stopped being funny years ago.

cmon it never gets old :)

hahaha

"Everytime Cooller's recieving 1 point of damage, a person dies in the real world for exchange."


"The only person who is able to defeat Cooller is himself in the zone."


"Everytime you put your crosshair onto Cooller ingame, a serious packet loss will occur."

Version B:

"Everytime you put your crosshair onto Cooller ingame, you are dropped from server due to unpure client."


"Cooller is the only person alive who is able to hit 102% rail on qzdm13."


"Cooller plays with his eyes closed, because he prefers to play fair."


"Cooller doesn't need a crosshair to pixelrail you on qzt9."


"Cooller's LG is everythink on LAN."


"Everytime Cooller dies ingame, his opponent is automatically forfeits the match after dying first."


"Cooller doesn't need to use ingame sound, because he can just FEEL you picking up shards, through walls."


"Cooller once didn't eat for 1337 days to prove that he's just as good as dead as alive. He proved it. Then he resurrected himself."


"Everytime Cooller tries to smoothaim, any mouse he's using is just instantly reaches malfunction speed. That's why he prefers to play with keyboard only."


"Cooller once tried to starring daggers with a beholder. That was the time when the term "eye of the Cooller" was borned."


"Everytime Cooller farts, the ozone regenerates in the stratosphere".

: D


"Every MH Cooller picks up, automatically grants him invulnerability for 10 minutes."


"Everytime Cooller ragequits... NO. That's not gonna happen. EVER."


"Cooller is so awesome that he can cut steak with a rocket launcher."


"Chuck Norris borned from Cooller's womb. On that day, all sins of mankind has been forgiven for eternity."

http://www.esreality.com/post/1027351/cooller-facts/#pid2259734

?

in soviet russia quake plays you... that's why cooler is good.

in my universe, nobap never failed, kept on playing and never lost a single tournament in any quake since.

Cooller never lost a tourney, its the tournaments that have failed to win.

Cooller retired, then won Dreamhack Summer.

You read it here first.

omg l0l first time seeing this thread.

Best tbone thread ever.

i saw cooller beating some "good/pro" player on dm6 without using the railgun. this is not made up, this is a fact. i hope someone reminds the opposite player's name.

real fact:

anybody can lose to Cooller

once CoolleR failed a Rocket Jump, that's how fake RJ was invented

Cooler does not get a loadout. He gets all the weapons and all the armour. Always.

Cooller generously allowed Cuake LLive to be rebranded in its early stages to help reminding people that some otherwise insignificant company was involved with it.

Once Cooller has dropped into the lave... Lava lost with a score -1:10. 8 of 10 was spawn frags, and -1 due to Lava killed itself accidentally.

Cooller sometimes plays #tdmpickup , some enemies just vaporize when they see COOLLER on their monitor.

Once Putin decided to try QuakeLive and been raped by random guy on a private server. That's how CoolleR saved QL from Putin's invasion.

hate to say it, but that quote about The Matrix is much better applied to Cypher - Cooller exploits the rules of the game, while Cypher actually goes outside the rules!