It appears to me that ESReality is somewhat lacking in the mojo department at present. So, rather than discuss the pro's and con's of something, the first thing I would like to do is talk about the most important part of gaming. That all-important killing blow. I do this because I hope that it will encourage at least one "spectator" to become an ESR writer on a more regular basis.

We've had some WoW/Q3 flaming sessions in the last column, and they were mainly unnecessary. What I want to conjure for you in this column is a memory of magic. I am not a magician, so in order for this to work, I will need you, the reader, to think about the last few years of online gaming. I want to know about a particular moment.

I want to know about that final moment, and quite possibly the ensuing glory (or not as the case may be). I want to know about the moment you have put your finger on the trigger and nailed someone so badly that you've leaped off your seat. Or yelled at the screen. Or closed your eyes and said a silent thank-you to whichever god of gaming you follow.

These are my four, and they are by no means in any particular order.


Battlefield 2. Helicopter Pwnage

I will describe the scene, some of you may have missed this game. The scene is very much covert. Myself and Koogar are DEEP undercover. The action is live and frenetic. The vehicles at our disposal are multifarious. We've arrived at our destination by ditching a very expensive military Jet over a barren piece of rock. We've then slaughtered 3 soldiers in order to steal a jeep. Using this jeep, we've driven to the enemy airstrip, and whilst whistling nonchalantly to ourselves, we've sauntered "casually" along the other side of the hill, until we are ensconced within a hundred meters of a multi-million dollar military helicopter. At this point we've gone flat to the ground and burnt the Jeep. Nothing looks more suspicious than an unoccupied Jeep ticking over on a hill-top beside a highly equipped Military installation.

After about 5 minutes (which was probably 30 seconds if I'm honest), we scuttle forward towards the enormous, armor-plated personnel helicopter (The helicopter that flies really slow, but spews out lots of soldiers). We are as invisible as pebbles on the hill. We don't move to look at Fighter Jets, Boats, or even soldiers shooting each other. We are professionals. I whisper to Koog over Skype that it appears our arrival hasn't attracted attention. He affirms this by standing up, as he tugs on his Silk Cut over the microphone. He runs to the helicopter, using it as a visual cover against approaching soldiers, and sticks a rather chunky pack of explosives to the side of the 'copter.

He runs back to me and lies down and we both hold our breath. This kind of shit doesn't happen every day. You have to understand that what I've just described was thwarted a dozen times, in slightly different ways. A stray bullet, a direct one for that matter. An airstrike. An attack helicopter. The list goes on.

But we are there, lying on a hill, looking at the bulky, metal-plated 'copter, as it fills with soldiers.

Now the next part of this kill is all about finesse. You could explode the 'copter as it takes off, wiping out the occupants, but almost certainly raising a finger of suspicion as to the cause of the "accident". Even better than that, after a few days of trying this particular incision, we realized that the following kill was the sweetest way in which to end enemy lives.

Simply wait. Watch the helicopter take off. Enjoy the pilot's skill. Watch as he bravely negotiates those low hillocks, swooping gallantly towards the ocean beyond. Then, when the moment is right, preferably with the sunset behind them, click the button of the detonator. BOOM!!!!!

Blow the fuckers out of the sky. End them. The enemy hasn't got a clue what hit them. The best bit about this kill is lying silent on the distant hill, finger on the button, undiscovered.


LG scurry after quad, dm6, destruction!

pro-q3dm6. Nice map. Balanced. However, all this ends as soon as the quad lights up. Good teams won't just time the quad on dm6, they'll instinctively know when the other team is about to try and take it.

Getting the quad is usually fraught with a terrifying array of ballistics. So actually getting the quad and living to use it isn't particularly common in matches that mean anything.

So when you time quad to perfection, kill the competition, land on it and run for cover, the satisfaction is usually all-encompassing. But for some, this is where the fun begins.

I should imagine you've all experienced a lighting gun scurry after quad. And this kind of kill hankers back to those particular moments. It has to be all of the above, combined with a frenetic, insane level of accuracy. Add all that to the combined effect of the LG with quad damage and you have the LG scurry.

It goes something like this...

POP! POP! "SCURRY". POP! "STAND STILL" POP! POP! "AWESOME AIM". POP! "STAND AND FIGHT". POP! "SCARY GROUP". POP POP POP! "TEAMMATE". POP. "SRY" POP! POP! POP!

It's the kind of power that has to end. And when it does, if you've done something akin to that described above, you would happily frame your online career with that moment. I play FFA now and then, and people moan about the quad. They're really missing the point.

That kind of shit doesn't happen every day. But when it does, you're generally walking around in circles half an hour later, just trying to get your nerves to calm.


Quad blocked, or "cock blocked"

The reverse of the above. You are waiting, I would say patiently, but this is Q3. In actual fact, you are jinking around like a crazy loon, trying to stay alive AND in sight of the quad spot. You aren't assigned to taking the quad, but still your mission is to END the quad if it lands in the wrong hands. This mission will last approximately 2.3 seconds.

If you succeed, you are no more than a foot-note in your own personal history. But occasionally, when those gaming forces merge, you will create something unique. A Jedi-like ballet of such deadly intent, that the quad guy, staring at you as you approach, gun slowly turning towards you, micrometer by micrometer, is unable to stop the brutal onslaught of your attack.

This won't get written about (except now). You won't be carried aloft by your clan-mates in gratitude. It is something only you really know about. And in certain matches, this will win the game.


Rail, perfect rails

Rails. I used to call myself RailRaptor. I used it because for me, the rail gun embodied Quake 2. It was so destructive, but slow. It required incredible precision, whilst so many faster weapons could be obliterating you.

When Quake 3 came along, I discovered Rocket Arena. One night, a very late late, I was fighting amongst the more refined quake players. As the evening drew on, the skill increased.

I wasn't in my league, but in this instance, I was the last player against 2 enemy. I jumped into the wide-open arena, eschewing the cover of corridors, and braving the inevitable onslaught.

I was very lucky. Both players were a long way away, and were in line of sight, so only one of them could shoot me. I just twitched my rail trigger and blinked. The next thing I knew, everyone on the server was shouting "Woot" "Gz!" "IMBA" "L33T!". I had accidentally railed both players from a ridiculous distance, killing both. Ahhh, happy days "