Name: Your Mother.
Location: Your House.
Posts: 36
You know, we live at such a marvellous time.

Until very recently, players would have to wait until a game was out so they could buy it and play it to discover if it's any good. Not any more; thanks to the power of the interweb, we now have the ability to know, in advance, if a game will suck or not, with over 100% accuracy. By simply reading posts made on an internet website by random people prior to a game release, we can already not only predict but know what a game will be like.

Hence, through the power of the inter-net, I can surely state that Quake 4 will be the worst FPS ever released. Ever. Not only the worst FPS ever, but the worst thing ever.

My source? First-hand accounts of people who know what's important. Real professionals that dedicate their lives to getting the most out of any game. People who spend more time on a forum than they spend talking to people on the real world. People who will do everything to pass a little bit of their wisdom to you, dear reader.

Onto the facts.

First of all, there's the obvious mention that Q4 got 70% on a recent PC Gamer review. That, my friends, is reason alone to cancel your pre order and go play The Movies instead. You should always believe the word of a magazine if they have the words "PC" and "Gamer" on their name; this implies their reviewers are always hardcore progamers, just like you. Never mind the fact that this all originated from just a forum post; other people confirmed they also saw the same forum post, making it true.

Also, as everybody knows, Fatality has been playing 10 hours of Q4 a day for the past 3 years. Because of this, he will completely dominate the Quake 4 competitive scene as soon as the game is released. Because, as we all know, Quake 4 is pretty much like an MMORPG and the more people play, the better they get; hence, a player with 10 hours of practice can't win against a player with 11 hours. I bet Fatality will have a lvl 60 char with a +5 force whipping bat when the game hits stores. Give up, you can't compete against him, so better move to Warsow instead.

I also think that most of you - my progaming hardcore friends - will agree that Q4 will absolutely suck because we will be forced to use the GUI to configure the game at tournaments. This is completely bollocks. I wish CPL and other leagues would be as wise as me, someone who play games, and do as I wish and let me turn every graphical feature off instead. After all, I need to see my opponent, and this level design thing keeps getting on the way. Oh but no, they don't, they bow down to their all precious NVidia or Intel sponsors. I say, to hell with them. Why do we need sponsors any ways? If you want a game to be tweakable, don't expect anything from Q4. Go play Fuhquake instead.

And guess what? There will be no OSP for Q4 on release day! How can that be? A game can't exist without OSP. I know this sounds like a joke, but it isn't. Oh no no no: you won't be able to play competitively with all the little features you can think of out-of-the-box. If that isn't a real let down, I don't know what is.

Also, man, the game has a singleplayer mode! How stupid is that? They spend precious time on singleplayer, while they could be making more maps instead or, who knows, an internal MP3 player. Who plays singleplayer anyways? I don't, and I know 2 other people who don't, so it's safe to say nobody does.

If you need one more reason not to play Q4: you will get physically ill when playing Q4. This is because Raven Software and id Software have thrown "wobbling" on the game, just to make people feel bad. Yes, they did it on purpose. They believe that, if someone feels ill after playing the game, the person will go out and get another copy of the game. It's how their mind works. Staggering, I know, but it's the way it is. Believe me, I know how those companies think.

I must also point that item spawning on Q4 won't be the way I want it to be. Personally, I don't know how it will be, but I know they won't listen to me and do it exactly as I want it to be, so it's reason enough to know it will suck. Why would you want to play that game? Go play Rocket Arena 3 instead, there's no item spawning.

AND, of course, one of the most important reasons why Quake 4 will suck: weapons. Oh boy, where do I start?

First of all, the Railgun is broken. Totally broken. I don't care how much damage it does; it feels weak and it is weak. So it sucks. It totally breaks the game. Can't you see? I know it, because people have told me that. If they don't act NOW, the game will be totally broken because of this single piece of information. I DEMAND a stronger sound/animation/model. That's the LEAST id Software and Raven Software can do for me. Man, I've already bought 2 other games by them. BOUGHT! TWO GAMES! They owe me, you know.

And guess what, the machinegun has a zoom function. I hope they fix it, as it's obviously a bug. Nonetheless, it's still another reason not to play Q4. Go play Pro Evolution Soccer 5 instead, I bet there's no machinegun zoom feature on this game.

I expect some day companies like id and Epic will listen to their fans - who obviously know a lot more about their games than the developers themselves - and implement ideas suggested by players. The mere thought that you're unable to select your spawn point on Q4 makes me want to forget this game forever. If I can select my spawn point on BattleField 2, why can't I do so on Q4? Because Q4 is a worse game, that's why. Simple as that.

And dude, everybory knows Q4 doesn't have mouseaccel. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Worst game, ever. Period.

Everybody also knows the game will suck on high ping. Dude, what the fuck. I want to play on a server on Sri Lanka, with a mere 1586 ping, and id Software WON'T LET ME! You know, this is all a plot; they don't want players to play against other countries, exchanging culture and knowledge and reaching world peace. Id Software is in close collaboration with the Bush government, trying to create disruption in world order and wars for money and oil. You want proof? They're on Texas!

If you still think that's now much, and Q4 might still be an ok game, well, get this: Q4 is so capped to 60fps! LOLOLOLOLOL! 60 fps is for n00bs.

Finally, the Q4 logo sucks because there's no "IV" on it. End of the story.

With these points, my friends, I hope I have helped make the picture a bit more clear: Quake 4 will suck without a doubt, and we know that because people on the internet said so. And the internet, my hardcore progaming friends, is serious business.

Better play Duke Nukem Forever instead.